How Structure, Simplicity, and Community Balance My Mental Health and Fear of Uncertainty

Despite all the wonders that have come from changing my engineering career into something more fitting for me (writing) and moving to a place my heart belongs (the mountains), this past year has felt quite unstable, chaotic, and isolating.

This blog post explores the changes I’m making to readjust my balance between the freedom + uncertainty my lifestyle supports and the routine + certainty I need. By implementing doses of structure, simplicity, and community into my life, I hope to achieve a better balance within my mental health journey and find acceptance for my fear of uncertainty.

Amidst the many joys of this past year, it also felt unstable, chaotic, and isolating.

This past year has encompassed a whirlwind of every type of emotion, beautifully challenging life events, and tragically painful life events. As a result, my mental health journey was battered with a fresh beating. But I’m still here, growing through it all.

In 2021, I quit my stable engineering job to journey along a volatile career path as a freelance content writer, blogger, and fiction novelist. Then, I moved 1,500 miles away from the small central Illinois towns I’ve known my whole life to live in a western mountainous city. I said goodbye to the familiar midwest cornfields. Now my life looks much rockier – in more ways than just the tangible Wasatch and Uinta Mountains.

For example, the high highs and low lows of the feast-and-famine-business-owner-life sometimes eat me alive. While I love the creative work and beautiful freedom that come with my writing career, there is also a lot of instability and unreliability going on with finances, clients, and schedules. My job feels very chaotic and frustrating sometimes.

And this challenge is simply an addition to the tragedies (like family deaths, a friendship breakup, and other hardships) that have occurred in my personal life this past year. Plus, I’m very far away from my family and closest friends. I'm so grateful I’ve had my boyfriend, Nino, by my side this year. He’s my best friend, soulmate, and biggest supporter.

My intention for 2022 was “peace.” But peace is not what happened. Thanks to the past year's chaotic life events and situations, my emotions have been all over the place. Anger has felt as red hot as the Southern Utah desert. Grief has felt as vast and blue as the Great Salt Lake. Inspirational happiness has felt as high as the peaks in the Wasatch Range. 

I feel emotions very deeply, but they never last too long. All emotions are temporary, and that is something I can always rely on. But I’ve just felt like I can’t rely on much else lately. I’ve had such a negative mindset this past year of “everyone and everything is so fucking unreliable.” I know that’s not true, but it’s just how I have felt often.

I probably need to let go of certain perfectionistic, achiever-style expectations. I could also harvest more compassion and gratitude. But more than anything, I need to accept and cope with uncertainty because my adventurous, dream-chasing, risk-taking lifestyle is full of it.

In addition to accepting uncertainty, I'm striving to minimize uncertainty. I want to tolerate this inevitability in life, but I don’t want it to overwhelm me. So, amidst this balancing act, I am seeking ways to incorporate three grounding concepts into my life: structure, simplicity, and community.

Ways I am Incorporating Structure, Simplicity, and Community to Benefit My Mental Health Journey

The word “stability” has an icy, cringy ring to it. This term was so deeply drilled into my head growing up that I chased after a “stable” engineering career, which ended up being completely wrong for me.

Stability has always meant financial stability to me. But I learned that there is so much more to that word. What about mental, emotional, and physical stability? What about stability within relationships? What about stability as a means of balance between all areas we care about in life?

Stability has taken on a greater meaning for me, and I’ve realized it’s something I value tremendously. I need stability and reliability in many forms to feel grounded and mentally sane. And as much as I value my freedom to do what I want in life, I don’t feel particularly free when pieces of my life are chaotic and unstable. 

Therefore, I am seeking more structure and routine. I am simplifying and minimizing the chaotic elements of my life. I am creating a sense of community in my new home. And I am learning how to cope with my fear of uncertainty.

The measures I am taking should provide focus, defuse my anxiety, and lead to a more balanced, healthy lifestyle. Here are the steps I am taking to benefit my mental health as an emotional writer living with anxiety disorders in Salt Lake City, Utah. :)

I got a part-time job as a ski instructor!

I am teaching kids and adults how to ski at Brighton Resort this winter!!! Yay! Freelance writing is a very isolating career. I’m alone a large portion of the time, which is great, but this also means I’m trapped in my head a lot. I need to get out of my anxious brain and find more community and structure. I figured a part-time job would help me achieve this.

This part-time gig also provides more financial and schedule stability. I can actually rely on a paycheck to come in regularly again! It will be a nice added cushion to my freelance income, which is volatile. This winter, I work every Monday and Friday at the ski resort, plus any extra shifts I pick up. I sincerely appreciate my writing schedule freedom, but the structure of this part-time job keeps me focused and is something I can rely on all winter. Plus, I am literally making money skiing in the beautiful Wasatch Mountains, and it's so FUN!

I’m taking a step back from my blog and social media.

My blog and social media have served me well over the past few years. But sometimes, you must shift and let go of things that aren’t serving you in the way you truly need them to. You have to pick and choose what serves you the most because no one has enough time and energy to do it ALL.

So, I’m scaling down my blogging and social media efforts. This decision is about more than just outputting less content. It’s about planning and thinking and predicting and researching less because all of that takes up my mental capacity, too.

I’ve honestly become addicted to these types of content creation. I have so many creative ideas, and I realized I’m obsessively writing them all down, thinking way too hard, and letting this obsession trickle into other parts of my life. It’s wasting my time, and it has tricked me into quite literally forgetting how to relax. 

Sometimes, I can’t even go on a hike without stopping every five minutes to jot down more ideas for blogs or social media posts in my notes app. And sometimes, I solo hike for MILES (I’m actually not kidding) WHILE staring at my phone, writing, writing, writing. Ew! I don’t like that for me.

So, I need to stop! I don’t need to grow my social media platforms. I don’t need to monetize my blog when advertisements and affiliate marketing don’t feel right for me. Letting go of the extreme expectations I have set for myself feels like a huge load is being lifted off my shoulders. Now, I am left with a much simpler to-do list.

I am maintaining focus on finishing my first novel.

Why have I been writing and editing my first novel for three years? Because I’m way too distracted by trying to keep up with everything else to finish it! Since I’m letting go of blogging and social media expectations, I can actually focus on the piece of my writing career I love the most: my novel! I feel confident that I will be able to complete draft three this winter, hand it off to alpha and beta readers, and gather a shiny manuscript ready to be inspected by agents and publishers before the end of 2023. I’ve got this.

I am simplifying my freelance writing career by sharpening my boundaries and schedule.

Working as a ski instructor this winter means I only have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday to complete freelance writing client work. This is all the time I truly need at the rate I’m getting paid and the capacity at which I take on work.

Over the past few years, I have struggled with feeling “trapped” amidst routines and schedules. But in this chapter of life, I have learned that schedules do not trap me. My anxious mindset does. With a more structured schedule and more community throughout my weeks, I’m not going to have as much time to get lost inside my anxious brain! I need this so badly. 

Additionally, I am sharpening my boundaries within this career. I have some nightmare client stories, and now I’m way better at saying “no, absolutely not” to ridiculous requests, sketchy clients, and other stupid things freelancers have to deal with all the time. Sharp boundaries simplify chaotic client issues.

I am building my community in Salt Lake City.

This past year has been the most isolating year of my life. I almost said “lonely” but then realized I’ve never actually felt lonely while being alone this past year. I LOVE alone time. I need to be alone to get my work done, to grow and better understand myself, and to re-energize as an introvert.

But for me, getting too much alone time leads to too much time stuck inside anxious, negative thought loops. As a person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), I can easily waste hours in a day worrying, worrying, worrying. But when people are around, I find it’s easier to be distracted by the external world and engaged in the present moment.

Self-imposed isolation has taught me that having a physical community around is important. I am grateful for my main support systems and the humans I love most, but most of them live thousands of miles away. I get a lot of Nino every day and lots of phone time with loved ones, but I also need friends that I can literally hug in person, you know? So, I’ve joined a trail running group for women, I’m making loyal, adventurous new friends, and I get to work with people at Brighton! Yay.

I am going to therapy to learn how to cope with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and my fear of uncertainty.

I absolutely love my therapist here in Salt Lake City! Therapy is a beautiful form of structure and community wrapped up in a therapeutic box of reliability and certainty. I wouldn’t call therapy simple, but the tools I learn in therapy help simplify and minimize my negative thinking patterns.

My therapist has been guiding me with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) Therapy. These two types of mental health treatment have been working their magic for my mental illnesses. I’ve had GAD my whole life, but I actually just rediagnosed myself with OCD this year. I haven’t suffered from OCD since I was a child, but it’s back at ages 26 and 27!

My OCD comes in the form of anxious, obsessive negative thought patterns (negative "what if" scenarios, immediately attempting to solve every tiny thing I perceive as a threat, etc.) and compulsive actions like repeatedly checking things (stove, locks, my drink, etc.) to secure my health and safety.

Sometimes, I get stuck in anxious thought loops or action loops that are really hard to untangle myself from. My mind can feel like a tangly, sticky spider web! But I’m learning how to break the cycle with game-changing CBT and ERP tools that help me find more acceptance for uncertainty.

Writing this blog felt very cathartic and therapeutic. Thanks for reading! Cheers to a balanced, reliable, calm, snowy winter in the Salt Lake Valley and Wasatch Mountains!

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.