Down Days

It’s a melancholy gray morning, and I’ve woken up in a continuing dreary mood that has carried over from the previous day. The reason for my bleak state of mind is unknown, but I feel compelled to identify it because I am an overthinker. If I can give what I am feeling a definition, it will be easier to find a solution to combat the negative feelings. 

“Is this depression?” I always ask myself this question when I’m experiencing a bout of sadness. And then I often follow it with an irrational “what if” that sounds like, “If this is depression, what if it leads to suicidal thoughts?” But that’s just me and my anxiety jumping the gun and thinking about worse situations before they’ve happened. It’s not illogical or absurd to consider the possibility of a severe bout of depression because it isn’t uncommon for people to feel something so painful. Even further, the thought of suicide is not rare.

We’re never alone when we feel sad. Everyone feels some range of this emotion, from just a little sadness ranging to unbearable depression. It softens and relaxes me to remember this, as misery loves company.

More common than the extremes is the middle, neutral ground. I am often quite content with a flexible range of many emotions that typically hover in the center. I can experience high highs and low lows, too, but human emotions are ever-changing. I’m never stuck inside one feeling for too long.

Down days seem to appear more often than they used to, and that makes perfect sense to me. Gone are the carefree days of childhood and the phases of schooling where I was still resting comfortably under my parents’ wings. I am onto the next chapter of life where I have more responsibilities and decisions to make. I’m working now and discovering myself while in my twenties. It’s been fairly roller coaster-like so far. On top of general life changes, my methods of treatment for Generalized Anxiety Disorder are different now than they used to be. I’m growing and changing, and I’m accepting that change is okay. Even the changes that spark negative feelings. Even the down days.

The Deep Sads vs. The “Meh: Sads

My personal periods of “meh” sometimes come and go so gradually that I couldn’t tell you when they began and ended. Those aren’t extreme, and I would define those periods as normal. I’ll think, “oh, how very human of me to experience this type of sadness.” Sadness doesn’t have to be a cause for concern, as it is a normal human emotion. I find that when I have a good reason to be sad, and I’m not feeling it in overwhelming amounts, I’m not so worried about it.

But other times, a wave of sadness will hit me with a hard slap in the face. One moment I feel just fine, and the next moment I’m not okay. I am grateful because these waves never last more than a few hours or days for me at this point in time. These more intense periods of “meh” are sometimes hard to describe because the emotions I feel can’t be limited to just “sad.” There is sometimes a feeling of dread mixed in. Of course, there is often anxiety, my apparent favorite negative emotion. Occasionally there is a numbness, and sometimes there is a white, hot feeling of panic. Anything extreme is short-lived, but the less potent emotions can hover just long enough to where I wouldn’t describe them as normal anymore. Every once in a while, I can define my sadness as depression.

What causes these little bouts of sadness? I always try to identify the cause because analyzing emotions is one of my obsessions. 

Perhaps my down days were influenced by the clouds that block my favorite source of vitamin D. Maybe harsh words from a loved one triggered a negative emotional response in my brain. Maybe I’m short on serotonin because I need to make a big life change. Perhaps a trivial post on social media has me feeling down. Analyze, analyze, analyze until something makes sense. But sometimes, I can’t pinpoint the real cause. Sometimes, down days are just there, and I have no logical reason to back them up. Sometimes, I will do everything in my power to minimize the negative feelings. Other times I am oddly content to sit in my sadness.

What I’ve learned to accept more than anything is simply the fact that it is okay to feel down. 

Attempting to run away from sadness has only increased my anxiety about the emotion. I have often gotten stuck in the trap of thinking that feeling sad is bad. Society sometimes tricks me into believing so because society has medicalized issues that aren’t necessarily medical. Treatment for mental illnesses is tricky because there is a gray area around defining what we are experiencing.

For example, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder a long time ago. I assume I still have it based on my symptoms. But while I treated this illness with antidepressants for many years in the past, I don’t anymore. Some doctors have suggested therapy or meditation, while others headed straight for the drugs. I’ve tried all three of them, and they have each worked very well for me at different points in my life. Likewise, all three have not worked well at all other times.

The point I am trying to make is that various doctors and psychiatrists have told me that feeling anxiety and sadness is bad and requires treatment. Sure, this is absolutely true in extreme cases. But hearing this on repeat made me genuinely forget the fact that those two emotions are still normal for humans to experience in mild doses. It is tough for me not to jump to the conclusion that the sadness I might feel on a down day is very bad. It’s not! It’s okay not to be okay! Coping with sadness and other inevitable human emotions that don’t feel great is what we should focus on. We’re coping with sadness, not running away from it.

Down days allow me to feel a greater appreciation for the up days. 

In the roller coaster of life, you don’t get to experience the top of the climb or the thrilling drop without first climbing into the coaster car at the bottom. If you felt one constant emotion all the time, even if it was happiness, how could you appreciate it? There would be nothing to compare it to.

Let’s be kind to our negative emotions.

I’ve talked about this before with anxiety: welcoming in negative emotions gives them more space to sit without attacking. I can do this with sadness too. When I’m hit with those walls of mild depression or when I experience a day that feels very “blah,” I work on not cowering from the negative feeling and not pointing my finger at it like it insulted me.

Instead, I can picture the sadness as a weeping willow tree. Willows appear wilty and sorrowful but still hold so much beauty. When I’m sad, I’m just sitting underneath a willow. I won’t stay there forever because the tree is just one stop along the hiking trail I’m still walking. It’s temporary shade from the sun. Temporary; that’s a key word here. It doesn’t ever end under the willow tree. The following week, day, or hour will feel different.

During the times when the sadness doesn’t seem to end, only then should we feel concerned. There are endless treatments and remedies available, even if it takes some time to figure out which works best. I am confident that my future will contain a lot of change in how I treat my negative emotions. I’ll continuessly be learning how to cope with sadness differently during different chapters of life.

I like splitting my mental illness journey into chapters because I know there will be many different ones. If I don’t like the chapter I’m on, well, then perhaps it will end on a cliff-hanger and the next chapter will be much more enjoyable. I’ll appreciate the days I sit under the weeping willow because I know they give me a chance to sit quietly, and they will heighten my gratitude for the sunny days.

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.