It’s Not “I Can’t”, It’s “How Can I?”

Our thoughts have a powerful hold over us. They affect our feelings and how we react to our feelings. It would make sense to stay optimistic and think happy thoughts, right? But why does that seem to be so difficult? Speaking for myself, sometimes it’s way easier to focus on the negatives. But doing this has consequences, so I want to be able to train my brain to find the positive in situations.

Sometimes I dwell so hard on dismal thoughts or realities that I think or speak negativity into fruition. A great example is my lovely ability to feel anxiety about health issues. Sometimes I’ll fixate on a single, harmless symptom and turn it into a big deal. The more I speak out loud or internally that the symptom is of a greater issue, the more it seems to bother me. Fixating on that negativity increases my anxiety, which can increase the severity of the symptom. So, knock it off, Jessi! Instead of saying, “My cough could be COVID-19”, I should say, “My cough is a sign of allergies like I’ve had all summer long.” Then, something snaps in my brain, and I believe myself. I believe what I tell myself, so I should tell myself some mighty good things!

I limit myself when I say, “I can’t,” because I believe it. When I really want something to change, I find that when I pump myself up with positivity, it’s much more likely to happen than if I form a negative attitude. The problem is, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m being a pessimist. For almost a year, I’ve been expressing to my best friend how badly I want to move out west, but certain things and people are holding me back.

I’ve told her, “I can’t do exactly what I want to do. It’s too expensive where I want to go. My dad doesn’t think it’s smart to leave the company I work for. My boyfriend doesn’t want to move away right now. Our country is in the middle of an unprecedented pandemic.” There have always been endless excuses and limiters, so I still reside in the same place. But my best friend often reminds me, “It’s not, ‘I can’t.’ It’s ‘How can I?’” And after hearing it enough, my perspective changed.

What I sometimes forget is that I always have choices. There are times when I do need to sacrifice what I want for the people I love or for important reasons like finance or health. But when I shut down my ideas or desires in an instant, then I’ll never give them a chance to form. When I tell myself I cannot do something, I won’t do it. But if I ponder the possibility that I could… I can get pretty creative figuring out all the possible ways I could get closer to making it happen!

This way of thinking requires a special amount of open-mindedness and creativity because you need both to form new ideas. If something isn’t working in your life or something isn’t happening that you really wish could, then you’ll have to find new methods. You might not get exactly what you envisioned for yourself because often, we must make sacrifices here and there, and the outcome might shift. But you won’t get anything at all if you let a barrier form between you and the question, “How can I?”.

I’ve taken action since realizing I was being pessimistic and I was the one holding myself back. The action isn’t simply getting up and going. Not much is that simple, naturally. Before I move away, I want to compromise with my boyfriend, find stability and form a plan, and do enough research to feel confident that there is a very good chance the place I move to will be a good fit for us. I’m slowly but surely checking these to-dos off my list. I’m getting closer to my goal because I stopped telling myself, “I can’t.” Instead, I asked myself, “How can I?” And I’ve been moving forward ever since. Here is what has helped me along the way to shutting out the words “I can’t” and replacing them with “I can” or “How can I?”

Tips for How to Believe in Yourself and Find a Way

Consider others’ thoughts but make your own decisions.

Do your best to listen to advice and suggestions from people you trust. But at the end of the day, take everything you have learned externally and form your own decisions.

Decrease external influences when they are too loud or too negative. Take space for yourself to think.

Solo trips have provided me with quiet time to listen to myself without the overwhelming and often contradicting advice from other people. Eliminate the outside noise so you can focus.

Surround yourself with positive people who lift you up. Limit your time with those who don’t make you feel good. 

Pay attention to how you feel while spending time with the people in your life and how you feel afterward. The people who weigh you down and make you feel bad are likely increasing the negativity in your life. You must let go of what no longer serves you to increase positivity!

Have both angels and devils on each of your shoulders.

I always have a positive, encouraging dreamer at hand (my best friend and my sister), a balanced, neutral adviser who can see from different perspectives (my boyfriend), and wise, experienced realists who value safety and security (my parents). Find a balance between these perspectives so you don't get carried away too far in one direction.

Question social constructs and remember there are always different perspectives and ways to solve problems.

Open your mind to the possibility that certain beliefs or systems in places might be wrong. And try to remember that you might be wrong. You're a whole lot more likely to solve your problems if you are willing to adopt new mindsets.

Recognize when you are shutting down, giving up, and telling yourself that you can’t.

Your thoughts control your actions. Before you can shift your attitude to a positive one, you must recognize when your thoughts are negatively impacting your actions. Pay attention to how you're speaking to yourself. When you're verbalizing self doubt or giving up on finding ways to make things work, you have to take ownership of the fact that you are choosing to give up. 

Determine how much energy and effort you are willing to put in and how important certain issues or ideas are to you. 

Sometimes, shutting down and giving up can be beneficial for the things that aren’t so important. It's just as important to let go of the things that no longer serve you as it is to believe that you can achieve your dreams. Weeding out what no longer belongs gives you more time to focus on what is most important to you.

When you decide to stop saying, "I can't," you're committing to spending energy figuring out how you can! Along this journey, it's healthy to set personal boundaries on how much energy you can commit to following your dreams.

Place your finger on why you haven’t made certain things happen. 

If you recognize what is holding you back or scaring you, that is usually the first step to understanding how to overcome it and move forward. Recognize what exactly is limiting you. You can start by asking yourself, "What do I fear?"

Follow negative thoughts with positive sayings to counteract them.

Your thoughts control your emotions. Positivity is a major player in the game of learning how to believe in yourself! To believe in yourself, you must counteract negative thoughts with positive ones. The next time you notice defeated words of discouragement dancing around your head, switch them out for positive affirmations that remind you of your worth and capabilities.

Give the crazy, exciting ideas you have the time of day. 

It’s easy to think things are impossible or too hard when you don’t give them a chance. Speculate all the possibilities! There is always another way to achieve something. Get creative and get in the habit of entertaining the ideas that excite you the most.

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.