Softening Judgment Towards Others

Judgments are abilities we possess that allow us to come to conclusions or make decisions. It is necessary to our survival and well-being to make judgments. We experience situations, encounter objects, and then quickly discern our next moves. We assess others’ behavior because we have strong opinions, morals, and values that guide us. How would we adapt, learn, or move forward if we didn’t make decisions? We wouldn’t. So don’t stop being judgmental!

Wait, hold up. That last sentence sounded odd: “Don’t stop being judgmental.” It sounds strange to me because I’ve developed a negative connotation with the word. Though making judgments is generally a good thing, we also have the magic ability to turn judgments into toxic, limiting habits. And today, I want to talk about how we should actually not be so judgy and instead soften the side of us that jumps to negative conclusions. 

Wait, I’m judging the word judgmental *palms face*. Well, this isn’t going to be easy.

Let’s get this straight. Making judgments is natural, but expressing harsh opinions can be hurtful.

It is natural and reactive of us to make a judgment. Our brain is just being responsible and doing its job. However, people are not perfect, and we tend to become trapped in the habit that forces us to form hateful, hard-headed opinions about other people or situations. Our own beliefs and experiences allow us to become critics and determine the rightness or wrongness of another’s actions. I don’t know about you, but I want to find a healthy balance between being able to rightly judge and also avoid negativity.

People tend to be very talented at forming a strong opinion about something and then looking down on others who don’t think or act in the same way. We all do it. I’m guilty of this, too. I am writing about this topic because I don’t want to form those reactive negative judgments. I want to be open-minded, accepting of differences, empathetic, and yet still able to form my own opinions. I want to feel confident about what I know and feel and yet always open up to the possibility that I still might be wrong and remember there are always things I cannot see. Basically, I aspire to be the Dalai Lama, okay? Gosh.

First thing’s first. We have to be aware of our judgments.

Before we can change anything, we have to be aware. We must recognize when we are making a quick judgment that involves negative feelings like anger or hatred. These feelings are okay, and we can accept them. But we want to minimize them because they don’t feel very good.

Say I am scrolling through social media and see a post that does not resonate with me. In fact, I disagree entirely with the content and would never want for myself what that other person wants. Since that post is sooo not for me, my snap judgment allows feelings of disgust and hatefulness to rush into my brain. Once I’ve recognized the negative feelings that I don’t want to have, I question myself. What is causing the awful feelings? Is it simply the fact that I wouldn’t do what they have done? Did they share something that doesn’t align with my values? Did their post offend me because of traumatic experiences in my past that triggered me?

Once I’ve nailed down why I feel so negatively about someone else’s choices, I can dig deeper. Is it okay that this person thinks differently than me? Is there a chance I don’t know the full story or all the details? Do they have bad intentions? Are they wrong? What evidence do I have that makes either of those last two questions true? This is the hard part where I have to shift my perspective and transform my harsh emotions into softer ones.

Compassion is the key to softening our judgment of others.

Learning how to be more compassionate comes with stepping into another person’s shoes. If we can open our hearts enough to feel empathy or sympathy for another, we may be able to cushion our judgment and realize they have very personal and transparent reasons for doing what they do.

Or maybe you’re not an empath; you’re more of a rigid shell that doesn’t feel the sugary, mushy emotions of others. So instead of trying to step into their shoes, let your own experiences soften you. Recall times when you were misjudged and people made a decision about you when they didn’t know the whole truth of what you had been through.

Newsflash: You might be wrong.

We must also be aware that our judgment could lead to self-righteousness and deception. When we are stiff and unchanging, we tend to be more unaccepting of differences. When we are hardened in our opinions, it makes us less willing to see another perspective. We can be deceived when we stop being curious and open. When you believe you are so extremely sure of something, you stop having a willingness to learn and even to be wrong. I constantly remind myself of the fact that there is always another perspective. Even when the other side feels wrong to me personally, I try to accept that it might not feel wrong to someone else.

Most people don’t like being wrong. It feels like an attack and a failure to be proven incorrect. But I challenge you to try to overcome the fear of failure and not being right about everything. Practice saying out loud, “I might be wrong. I might not know everything.”

I’m trying to find a balance between feeling a sense of confidence in my decisions and beliefs and still always recognizing that there is another lens to peer through. It takes bravery and confidence to admit you aren’t always right and have made a mistake. This is an admirable, honest trait, in my opinion.

Learn how to be less judgmental by learning how to be less critical and hateful.

If you greet an idea that is different from yours with hatred, you might be close-minded in that instance. Politics is a great (painful, but great) example of this. America is a politically divided country, and we tend to pick one side or the other. We feel strongly about what we believe in and that we are right, and the other side is just wrong. We think people with differing viewpoints must be hateful or uneducated because what we want is not hateful, and we have done our research.

But then, when you respond to hatefulness with more hatefulness, you aren’t benefiting anyone. Opposing sides exist not just in politics but in everything. We feel like things are right and wrong, often for good reason, and it’s important to stand up for what we believe in. I don't know about you, but I want to treat others with respect and kindness. I don’t want to tear others down. I don’t want to form toxic judgments about others when I am just as imperfectly human as they are.

Accept others’ differences. Different is beautiful.

As we learn how to not judge others, we’re becoming more accepting of new ideas. When we accept others’ differences, we judge less harshly. I’m not always right. You aren’t always right. No one is. Remember that. People don’t usually have bad intentions. Remember that, too. Different isn’t always bad, even when it feels so painfully wrong. This is so hard to swallow, even for me as I preach it. What I say might not work for or sit well with you, and vice versa. For the people like me who want to see more kindness and less evil in this world (or what I perceive as such), softening our judgment is a productive way to evoke change. But hey, I could totally be wrong.

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.