I Quit My Engineering Job to Chase My Dream

On March 31, 2021 I took the jump. I quit my corporate engineering job to chase my dream of being a writer! As a sole proprietor, I now set my own hours, work from any location I desire, and do what I love every day. 

I’m never going to have to wonder what could have been. 

And personally, I think it’s riskier not to chase my dreams. 

School

This story began when I was a young girl, untouched by the world; when I was still too naive to understand hardships, much too creative to not believe in fairytales, and far too brave to feel a fear of failure.

My inner child is the most precious and genuine part of me, and I’m a big believer in trusting in her when the adult version of me feels lost. She had a clear and honest answer when I had to dig her out of the dusty closet two years ago and ask her: “What do I love to do? What brings me fulfillment and joy?” It seemed like the age of twenty-three was too young to have fallen out of touch with my passions, to feel unfulfilled, and to be fully immersed in adulthood, making life-changing decisions. But there I was. 

When I asked, the purest form of little me beamed like a ray of sunshine and replied, “You love to tell stories, of course!” And as I recalled the happiest memories of my childhood, I was greeted with colorfully painted visions of rehearsals I performed, narratives I wrote, and tall tales I told. I scribbled short stories and illustrated them, too. I collected my siblings and placed them center stage with me as we performed live versions of the Magic Tree House book series. In school, I far exceeded the page count requirement for essays and papers because I just did not know how to stop writing.

So why - WHY - didn’t I continue down the artistic and literary path that brought me so much joy? 

In high school, I got to choose electives that aligned with my future career goals. I diverged from the creative, artsy path I was skipping joyously on to embark on the more black and white, technical journey of math, science, and coding. I enjoyed the challenge of these classes, especially physics and coding C++. Around the same time, I had a very strong influencer in my life, my dad, whispering advice in my ear that supported a financially stable, reliable career in an industry full of job security, benefits, and opportunity.

I was taught the following, and I believed all of it. As a woman in today’s world, I’d stand out amongst my male peers in the STEM industry. As an engineer, I wouldn’t have to worry about finances or being able to keep a job. According to my wise influencer and others, none of this could be true if I majored in English, creative writing, and the like. I was never encouraged to follow my dreams because that concept only existed in fairytales, and I was taught that the word “passion” was cringy. Stability was more important than happiness because you couldn’t be happy if you weren’t financially stable.

So, there I went - off to college to pursue a degree in mechanical engineering, which would challenge me and provide me with a stable career and generous starting salary. Though I loved college, I disliked each internship and co-op so much that I fell asleep almost every day at work, lived for the weekends, and felt immense relief and excitement once the summer ended and I could return to school. I was not very honest with myself at the time. I tried to find the positives and pretend that I found utilities and industrial plants interesting. Unlike my engineering peers, who were fascinated by the moving parts and massive systems, I was bored out of my mind. You know, if engineering jobs actually required the use of math, I might have enjoyed this field. Unfortunately, the expansive thermodynamics and heat transfer problems requiring twenty equations to solve did not properly prepare me to sit behind a computer and manage construction projects.

Stress + Unfulfillment = Engineering

My first year as a full-time engineer was a cold, hard slap in the face. After graduating college, life sneered maliciously at me and said, “Welcome to adulthood, where your dreams die, anxiety erupts out of you like volcanic ash daily, and every Sunday night feels like you’re about to walk the plank.”

Holy crap, starting as a full-time engineer was one big, ugly learning curve. The nerves I felt before exams and presentations were a chilly evening breeze compared to the fire-breathing stress bomb of solving million dollar technical issues as a college grad idiot who didn’t have a clue what she was doing.

During my first two years out of college, buckets and buckets of technical information were dumped into my head. It was painful stretching my brain into the line of electrical work. My job was to lead a bunch of underground electrical distribution system projects through the design and construction phases. These projects consisted of cable and conduit systems that provided commercial or residential buildings with power once they were connected with the existing electrical grid. Most of my work was project management and design, all done on a computer. Occasionally, I went into the field to observe construction or to solve storm outage issues. I noticed my co-workers found these opportunities interesting. I, on the other hand, could be physically inside a substation but mentally on a whole different planet.

I really liked the people I worked with and appreciated the benefits my work provided me with. But I HATED the work itself, and I HATED the corporate environment. This was my reality: I fell asleep at my desk and during meetings in the morning because I couldn’t get enough sleep at night. I felt claustrophobic in cubicles and conference rooms. I dreaded doing my work every day. I cried in the bathroom or in my car between meetings about once a week. I couldn’t understand why certain people I worked with acted like it was life or death if our team didn’t meet a certain deadline that, I promise you, would not result in death at all. I was lonely because none of my co-workers could eat lunch with me more than once a month because they were way too stressed about work. I was very troubled by the fact that my brain was using all its energy and capacity to learn things I didn’t care about. I was in the wrong industry, the wrong company, the wrong type of engineering - something. Something was definitely wrong about this, wouldn’t you agree?

After I was finally honest with myself about how severely I hated my job, I started to be honest with my family, boyfriend, and best friend. Though I received a lot of support and encouragement to make a change to find happiness, my wise, stability-preaching influencer called Dad had the most powerful advice and grip over me. I was told that it was normal to hate my job. I should just deal with it because the money and benefits were worth being miserable, apparently. Anytime I mentioned looking for a different job, my words were met with disappointment and confusion as to why I would ever want to leave such a great ~ sTaBLe ~ company. So, I stuck around. Though my dad has always had the best intentions for me, and he didn’t want me to have to worry about money or not having a good retirement, I think he misguided me into staying in a place where I was really, really unhappy.

Since it would have been unstable and unwise to leave my job, I found something else to fill in the gaping hole in my heart. I visited my inner child and reconnected with the beautiful world of storytelling. I found my calling, my passion, my destiny, and all of the other cringy, unrealistic words that I was taught did not exist - when I read a novel about how to write a novel. Magic is real, it’s really real, because I felt it in my fingertips when I typed out a book idea and in my heart when my main character was born from the dusty - but flourishing with creativity - crevices of the right side of my brain.

But I couldn’t consider quitting engineering and pursuing writing as a career because you can’t make money as a writer. It’s volatile and unreliable. Right? 

Not long after I rekindled the flickering flame of love I had for writing, I called my friend, Taylor. More than a friend, she’s a role model and mentor to me because she’s everything I want to be - a freelance writer, blogger, novelist, traveler, multi-talented creative - everything! When we talked, we talked for hours and the main subject was always writing. She offered tons of helpful advice and guided me in the direction I wanted to head. 

But then one day she said something totally crazy. She said, “Okay, Jessi, you’re going to reach a point where you’ve saved up enough money to survive for a while unemployed. And you’re going to want to quit your job to give yourself some urgency to pursue a career in writing. When that time comes, you call me. I’ll cheer you on.” Did she really think I was going to quit my stable, benefit-producing, high-salary, comfortable corporate engineering job to go for a career in something entirely the opposite? What, like I was going to just save up money and then quit cold turkey without having another stable, benefit-producing, high-salary, comfortable corporate position lined up? I would have never believed anyone who told me I’d do exactly that less than two years later and that Taylor would be one of the first people I called.

Just as I finally accepted it was okay to apply to other engineering jobs, the world decided to shut down and millions of people started losing their jobs, and worse, dying. COVID-19 changed the game for everyone in 2020. I transitioned to working from home and, funnily enough, I very much preferred this to sitting trapped in a cubicle, forced to start working at an early hour during which my brain did not function. At home, my mental health finally bloomed into something beautiful; something that wasn’t anxious, sad, and stressed as hell every day. 

I changed my tactic because I was a lucky person with a stable job during a worldwide pandemic. Instead of complaining, I practiced gratitude daily about all of the little things. I adapted to working from home with the hope that this change would result in me liking my job. Unfortunately, I did not magically start liking my work; I just tolerated it better. 

While I was stuck in that position, I found another creative outlet. I created jessielder.com so I could blog under my own name, share my words, and connect with people who actually enjoyed reading what I had to say! Writing for myself and for others has been the best! Writing was all I wanted to do during 2020, and I couldn’t stop thinking about that fact as I spent my days scrolling through emails from co-workers freaking out about the wrong switchgear being ordered or an in-service date not being met. 

I felt so much guilt as I complained about my work when all I had to do was wake up and walk ten steps to find a seat at my desk. But you know what? Everything is relative, and if I was going to compare my situation to those who lost their jobs or had lesser opportunities, I would feel an odd mix of guilt and gratitude. And if I was going to compare my situation to those who lived their dream every day, I would feel heart palpitation-inducing adrenaline fueled by motivation, inspiration, and envy. I learned, under the guidance of my loving best friend, supportive boyfriend, and badass sister, that I cannot fairly compare my situation to another soul on this earth because we’re all leading different lives under different circumstances. I learned that my feelings are valid, I deserve happiness, and I am capable of changing my situation.

At the end of 2020, I began that job search again. One morning, while sipping on tea at a coffee shop in St. Louis, I scoured the internet for engineering jobs that would allow me to use my hands and design products for a sustainable company. But my heart sunk lower and lower into my stomach as job description after job description disappointed me. Nothing sounded interesting, not even the most perfectly set up engineering job I could have envisioned for myself. After a few hours of another day of no luck, my tipping point was reached as tears spilled down my face in front of everyone in the shop. After miserably stowing my laptop in its case, I walked out with tear-stained cheeks. And I just kept on walking and walking, down the street and through Tower Grove Park. I pondered possibilities and accepted reality. I’d never be able to press the apply button to a new engineering job because it was never going to feel right for me. 

Society’s Standards

I’ve been choking on society’s standards for a long time. I worked my ass off for four years to earn a degree and acquire $35,000 of student debt. I worked my ass off for two years to pay it all off by doing something I hated every day. I realized I wanted a career as a writer. I decided that in order to get to write for a living, I had to make more money to get me out of my current situation faster. I chose real estate and spent many hours researching. I even put in an offer on a house to flip, but thankfully someone else offered higher. Right after this is when creativity slapped me in the face with her palm so hard that a lightbulb exploded out of my brain and reminded me I could actually skip the bullshit and do exactly what I want right now. So, I’m removing everything that distracts me further from writing, and I’m investing in myself instead. Now I’m going to pursue a career in something that doesn’t even require a degree. A circle; I’ve made a full circle. 

I decided that society’s standards don’t align with my own desires and values. What is normal for many people in America is to go to school, pick a degree that will determine the rest of your life before your brain is fully developed, and work a corporate 9-5 job with limited vacation days and sick time until you’re old so you can retire and then die. While it’s an absolute privilege to have a stable job that provides people with the tools they need to survive comfortably, it doesn’t feel right for me. 

My Future

I don’t regret getting a degree in mechanical engineering. Because of the path I’ve taken so far, I gained valuable technical, communication, and project management skills that I can apply elsewhere in my life. I learned how to work under pressure. I met many helpful and intelligent people. I get to quit in a financially comfortable situation. And I got to figure out what I didn’t like, which brought me one step closer to shaping my future career into something I will enjoy.

What is going to make me happy in this precious little life of mine is being a writer. It’s having the freedom to travel, to spend time in nature and with loved ones, and to indulge in what brings me joy every day. So, on March 31, 2021, I quit my 9-5 to pursue these dreams.

No matter what happens; even if I fail to make money as a writer, realize it’s not all I dreamed it would be, or come face to face with an obstacle that forces me to change paths again, I’m not going to regret this. How could I regret giving myself a chance to try really hard doing something I love while traveling this beautiful country? And in case you’re worried about me, know that I’ve got a few backup cushions; I have a loving support system and a bachelor’s degree. 

I’m making life even better for myself because, despite everything else I have to be grateful for, I deserve a fulfilling career too! As a full-time freelance writer, blogger, novelist!

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.