How I Discovered My Inner Child’s Dreams

I graduated from college during the most anxious period of my life. I was sitting on a metal folding chair when an uninvited dark cloud enveloped my brain, and I couldn’t hear the valedictorian speaking anymore. A very familiar pest called panic was attacking me again. As I breathed through the feeling of impending doom, the voice announcing students' names as they collected their well-earned diplomas came back into focus. When my name was called, I watched my sweaty hand shake the dean’s, and I saw a congratulatory smile on his face. But a heavy constriction in my chest was yelling at me to sprint out of the gymnasium in my heels. 

I was not happy that school was ending. I was not excited to be an engineer, also known as a slave to the corporate world. My perspective of the immediate future at this point in time was negative and narrow because panic continuously fogged up my windows. Things were unclear. My last semester of college was spent dealing with trauma and panic attacks, but also realizing that my world was about to change. I dreaded that fact.

I must have journeyed through college inside of a naive bubble. Within my little bubble, I always thought adulthood was far away. I don’t remember ever deeply analyzing what type of career I truly wanted. "What is my dream job?" is not a question I was taught to ask myself. 

Internships and co-ops were temporary, so it didn’t matter how much I enjoyed or gained from them. Eventually, they would end, and I’d return to comforting, familiar school, something I’ve always loved. I loved studying in coffee shops during the day and in my cozy bed at three in the morning. I loved the college schedule. I loved taking naps between classes. I loved competing in sports for my school. I loved seeing my friends and classmates every day. I loved not thinking about money or what work would look like for me soon.

When I woke up from my ignorant, procrastinating daze and realized all of that had to end, I entered a very low mental space. My fun years in college led to a monotonous 40-hour work week. So, big deal, the transition from school to adulthood is something everyone goes through. Making this into a big deal is dramatic because it’s inevitable and not unique in any way, right? Well, regardless… making that switch was one of the most challenging transformations I’ve gone through.

When I was 18 years old and the school counselor told me to choose what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, my young brain latched onto what a teenager’s limited view thought might work. I chose engineering because I enjoyed math and coding, it sounded impressive, and having a stable job with a decent salary would surely keep my anxious mind comfortable. I never genuinely understood what an engineer might actually do on a daily basis until I became one full-time five years later. I stuck with the major like a dedicated, hard-working student all throughout college and ignored the doubt that occasionally fluttered in. It was easier to be naive when having an unsatisfying career always felt like a world away. It was effortless to be complacent until I was smacked in the face with reality.

During the first six months as an engineer my anxiety remained very present. I experienced some health-related hardships that weighed me down, but ultimately my constant uneasiness was caused by adjusting to my new lifestyle. My job was stressful with a very high learning curve, not extremely interesting, and dang, I wasn’t allowed to take naps at work. I finally understood why Dad came home exhausted and irritable. The corporate world was unforgiving and traditional, two things I struggled with.

My creative inner child saved the unfulfilled adult version of me.

One morning amidst feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and confused as to why, I woke up with a revolutionary idea. I had to reevaluate my life and my long-term career choice. How does one do that? How do you figure out what you want to be when you grow up when you’re already grown up? How do you even begin to find your dream job if you're already a trapped adult? Somehow I knew I needed to ask myself a startlingly simple question, but I needed to ask it to the version of me that existed twelve years ago.

Some look at your inner child as your true, original self. A child is innocent, imaginative, daring, unknowing of life’s horrors, and unconcerned with what others think. Childlike wonder and courage still live inside of us. Often, we just need to do a little digging to remind ourselves of how it feels. So I asked myself, “What did I love to do when I was a child?”

Little Jessi was always creating. She drew fantastical creatures she imagined in her mind and crafted vibrant signs for her bedroom door. She directed her siblings in plays, where she herself starred as the protagonist. She wrote scripts and short stories. She played pretend in the woods and used plastic buckets as helmets and sticks as swords. She built forts, grew a sparkly mermaid tail, envisioned her classmates as animals, and acted out children’s books to entertain her family. She wrote bizarre tales about her friends, made copies, and then passed them around at school. Young Jessi was a storyteller.

This realization birthed a powerful epiphany that gave me instant goosebumps and rekindled a log-burning passion in me that had gotten lost over the years. Or maybe that creative passion of mine was always hiding just out of sight, as I did not despise writing lab reports like my classmates did and as I decorated my dorm with homemade art. Why did I choose a technical, problem-solving career over the colorful vision I once had for myself as a kid?

I’m a Creative destined to live outside of society’s confined spaces… eventually.

After rediscovering my love for storytelling, my family and I went on a vacation to the beach. Something about being in a new and beautiful environment always seems to inspire the crap out of me. Having time away from your normal routine can give you a shiny new perspective, and that happened for me on this trip. I spent time considering my desires while relaxing in the sand, and the reflection sent me to a bookstore. I bought a book called “Your First Novel” and ate it up like I was starved. What happened after this magical turning point in my life has been an upward journey of growth and self-discovery. Let me briefly summarize it.

That book scratched an itch, the itch being writing a story. I essentially read a novel to learn how to write one. So, I researched, I brainstormed, I outlined, and three and a half months after finishing that book, I was staring at a blank, white-screened Word document titled My First Novel. And I wrote the first words. And then I couldn’t stop. 

It took me five months to write the first draft. When I wrote the last words, I was wearing a small, quiet, proud smile while my heart raced a 400-meter dash. A truly glorious accomplishment and all I had to do was ask my inner child, “What do you like to do again?”

This discovery has opened gloss-stained doors for me. You’re reading one of them right now. I am extraordinarily grateful for my engineering job. But it’s not enough for me, so I am chasing my childhood dreams alongside this full-time career at the moment. I’ve found that through playing truth or dare with my inner child, she has a lot to teach me. 

Learning how to find your inner child teaches you how to find your dream job.

There is no wrong time to get to know your desires and passions and ensure that you are finding ways to do them. I waited until I felt suffocated before I dared myself to act on a dream I hadn’t taken seriously in years. What have you loved for all of your life? What makes you glow with delight? Are you doing it every day? Is there a way to turn it into a career? I dare you to go play like a child for one day and consider that there is a way to feel that joy every day.

In answering those prompts, I am no longer uneasy about how I am spending my time and earning an income. I am fulfilled knowing that I am doing what I love in some form every day. I feel acceptance for this place in my journey as both an engineer and a writer. My inner child reminded me that writing words and sharing them with others is my dream. The adult version of me got creative and turned dreams into reality. 

I like to think that the beach vacation was a pivotal moment for me. The grains of sand between my toes were like the toolbox of words I forgot I had all along. Stories are the sandcastles I get to create with them.

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.