An Entrepreneur's Struggles with Anxiety, Self-Confidence, and Self-Discipline

I am confident. I am on the right path. I believe in myself.

But not every day. Definitely, not every day.

When I quit my engineering job three months ago, I did NOT gracefully pirouette from one career into the next. I didn’t jump into a steady income with an immaculate morning routine, structured schedule, and badass entrepreneurial mindset. 

Instead, I took a deep breath, exhaled the feeling of being trapped, and ran for the hills. Or should I say mountains? 

I had finally escaped the cubicle and my unfulfilling and dreaded workload. So I embraced my newfound freedom and did exactly what I wanted to do by traveling all over the western United States. Colorado. Arizona. California. Utah. Idaho. Washington. I beheld the most beautiful views, inhaled salty ocean and musky redwoods, moved my body outdoors, and felt the purest and most enchanting bubble of inspiration in my heart; something only the beauty of solitude in nature can do for me. 

And that was my biggest priority. Travel. Feeling good in the present moment. Being outside. 

While exploring, I also took small steps for my freelance writing and blogging business. I’ve been working, I really have! Education from books, videos, articles, and mentors. Vision boards. Marketing myself. Writing my first blog post for my first client. Celebrating the little things. 

There are a lot of steps that must be taken before I can make a sustainable income as a writer. I definitely took some of those steps before I quit my job. But only some. I set about this entrepreneurial journey in an untraditional way. I did not grow my side business to a financially reliable point while working in corporate. I quit my corporate job well before I got to that point because I had a comfy savings, a lot of plans, and this crazy, inspirational belief in myself. 

I had to have believed in myself, right? I must really have believed in myself because how else would I have been able to leave behind an engineering salary and benefits? 

I’ve been a happy, anxious entrepreneur riding an emotional roller coaster these past three months. And really, I’m always on an emotional roller coaster because highs and lows are a part of life, aren’t they? The highest of highs when I stroll on the sand that kisses the Pacific Ocean, when I reach the peak of a mountain, when I land a writing client. But crippling lows are a part of this journey, too. It’s awesome when I wake up in the morning radiating energy, self-confidence, and motivation to get shit done! But let’s be real. That is not most mornings. 

Self discipline has to replace motivation, and self discipline is a big ass challenge. There is a quote on my vision board by Abraham Lincoln. 

“Self discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.”

I’m pretty good at doing what I want right now. I love to act on emotion and inspiration. I work in bursts of energy and struggle during spurts of negative emotions. For me, it’s hard to have self discipline, and it’s easy for me to indulge in self care. How to find the balance between the two...?

Building a profitable writing business takes a lot of work, and not every single step is enjoyable. But I expected that. It’s common knowledge that there are pros and cons to every little thing, even dream jobs! Self discipline is essential for success because no one feels motivated 100% of the time. Some people don’t even believe in motivation. But it’s hard to muster the discipline at times, and I think it’s important to acknowledge and accept that.

I compare myself to others often. To my extraordinarily hard-working, reliable, disciplined boyfriend who always gets to work early and never misses a workout. To my absolutely genius and gorgeous friends who come up with the most creative ideas and look so stunning that I’m invisible next to them. To influencers and celebrities I’ve never even met who make so much money and are loved by millions of people.

To be clear, I love myself more than anyone on this planet. Is that admirable and necessary or is that selfish and conceited? I don’t really know. But heck, comparison is still inevitable. Many times it propels me to be a better version of myself and feel so proud and in awe of others. But sometimes, it makes me feel sad or envious. And then my self-confidence plummets down a hole because, for some reason, my brain decided that I’m less valuable than another. As an entrepreneur, I'm constantly learning to overcome self doubt.

I wish social media didn’t have to be vital to running an online business. Or I wish I could trust someone else to run my social media account. But I don’t because my business is my brand, and my brand is myself. And no one can portray my brand better than me, can they? So it’s up to me. And you know me, I’m honest and emotional. You know what I’m feeling because I tell you straight up in my blogs.

But when you scroll through my Instagram account, you see bright colors of nature, smiling faces, travel, abundance, love, happiness, and positivity. A social media account is a highlight reel. I don’t get on social media when I’m crying or panicking and post a video of it. And I HATE that about social media! I hate that we perceive others’ lives as perfect because their bad times are hidden. I hate that we mindlessly scroll through screens that aren’t real life. I hate that we feed off endorphins caused by “likes” and feel sad when one picture isn’t as loved as much as another. I hate that, generally, when I post a picture of me with makeup and cleavage, more people interact with it than when I post a picture of me standing in a beautiful forest. I can’t even express how angry that makes me. And it shouldn’t make me angry because it’s more than okay for people to be interested in beauty or fashion. Just because I am fascinated by nature and the outdoors doesn’t mean other people have to love it more than other things.

But here is the thing about social media and business… I have to understand marketing, and I have to target a specific audience that appreciates the things that I’m posting about. Why would someone who is not interested in mental health or nature interact with my posts? Sometimes it feels fake and disingenuous when I follow certain marketing techniques that are supposed to grow an audience. But I need an audience to succeed as a blogger. I want an audience. But these needs and wants can cause guilt, confusion, and conflict for me.

I want to be successful. Successful… What does that even mean? Society has provided me with mixed definitions. Do I measure people by their wealth, fame, and influence? Do I measure success by a meter of happiness, love, peace, and fulfillment? Do I judge achievement by assessing someone’s courage and independence?

I think we can personalize our own definition of success. What does it subconsciously mean to me? What do I want it to mean? What are my values? What is truly most important to me?

I overthink absolutely everything. It’s incredible how woven anxiety is into my mindset and my daily routine. It’s so ingrained in my lifestyle that sometimes I don’t even notice it’s there until it’s really painful or it’s pointed out by someone else. It’s just an intricate habit now. I turn perfectly simple and worry-free situations into anxiety-ridden problems; as I question, overthink, worry, and dwell. Many of my tasks cannot be completed until I’ve first stepped over the obstacle anxiety provides. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It’s real, friends. 

Quitting my job eliminated a huge thing in my life that caused me to feel a lot of negative emotions. Quitting my job was a healthy step on this journey of life for me, I truly believe that. But, like the Dalai Lama said, our baseline level of happiness tends to always return to the same place. We experience highs and lows, but we have a baseline. It’s really quite fascinating to watch myself quit my job, experience a spectacular climb, and then flatten back out to “normal.” I quit my job to move forward in life and to feel better. And I do feel better, trust me. But I still have negative emotions. It’s not like I was expecting to never feel negative emotions again, but when you make a huge lifestyle change, you expect, well, CHANGE. And there has been quite a lot of change, of course. But everything is also… the same. I still have challenges. I still feel anxiety. I still want to change things about my life.

One thing I have certainly learned in these three short months is that you cannot escape negative emotions, for they are a vital part of life. I love to preach about finding acceptance and gratitude for what you have right now. It’s something I need to work on, and it’s something that is necessary for happiness. I’m always chasing after something; the next adventure, more self discipline, higher self esteem, and more fulfillment from everyday life. But the truth is… I’m only going to earn those extra things if I can truly appreciate what I have right now. The alternative is never feeling satisfied.

Sure, I’ll continue to take those leaps of faith. I’ll probably fall a million times. But I bet I’ll stick the landing sometimes, too. And when I salute to the judges (my followers, my clients, my loved ones, myself) I hope I can leave a positive impact. But more importantly, I just hope I feel happy and fulfilled. I know my values, it seems. :)

Mental Health Blog Disclaimer

I am not a medical professional, therapist, or mental healthcare professional. The information provided on this website is for informational purposes only, comes from my own personal experiences, and may be read, interpreted, and practiced at your own risk. Do not rely on this information as a substitute to medical advice or treatment from a healthcare professional.